I am having a bad day i.e. my mood is low, I am lacking my usual morning energy and I am feeling deflated. You might think “Oh poor you, you must have a horrible life” in an ironic tone. Well, let me give you a free piece of advice (I am feeling generous). Don’t be so fast to judge others and don’t do it that often. You never know what and who they are fighting against. Yes, because my opponent has a face. A pretty ugly one, full of wrinkles and hairy lumps with a crooked nose and a big bald head with some leftover side hairs that are long enough to (not effectively) disguise the lack of hair (sometimes it has a Trump do; either way, is ugly as f*ck). For others, he or she (for me is a “she”; I do feel men and women-that-think-a-bit-like-men-but-don’t-have-beards get me more) can look really good, with porcelain skin, big blue eyes, and long silky hair. They just don’t get it. How we, the “crazy” people can feel this way about someone who is so pretty and angelic? Well, I hate to break it to you. You are just plain stupid.
Yes, having bad days is normal. Though now I consider myself strong enough to accept these and just let my emotions run around (my way of releasing bad energies), I had days where I just couldn’t pick myself up. All they did was bring me down and down that dark well. These could go on and on for days, weeks, months even. These were my standard. However one pushes through. We have to. For our family and for our friends. For that chocolate cake, you love eating. For that song, you love dancing to. For that destination, you love travelling to.
I do have to point out that it wasn’t easy. It was in the fact the most excruciating battle of my life. I now can look back and consider myself a fighter and one tough cookie.
You still don’t get why I am so concerned with bad days. For some, this is just how things work. Same old, same old. You have a bad one and then you have a good one. But for some, bad days are the norm and good days are just a utopia. We are deprived of our weapons to fight an invisible enemy. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell. And to top things up, one feels useless as we lack the words and the why we are like this. We have outsiders telling us to snap out of this, to stop being such a baby. You have much worse things in life than feeling like this. Well. There aren’t many. You stop feeling alive. Period. It’s like someone drained all your energy and taste for life. Yes, I am not dying of an illness but what’s life point if you can’t damn live it because your brain is telling you to stay in pause mode? You have no control of your life. None so ever. You are stagnant. You become a spectator of your life instead of taking on a lifetime Oscar performance.
Through my story, I want to shed light on depression and anxiety. I am still battling my battle.
I don’t like to compare my condition with others’ but I am forced to. I am forced to when people call me a spoiled brat. I am forced to when people act ignorant because they are not well-informed. This is a medical condition just like any other. Hell, it’s like if you have hemorrhoids. You put the cream on (my fellow Portuguese friends will laugh after reading the prior expression; will explain it later) and that’s that. In my case, I take my medication, I do my CBT and it takes a bit longer to heal (but at least it doesn’t make my ass itch). We still have a long way to go on shedding light on mental health. I am here to share my experience and to open up about having a mental disorder (I hate the word disorder. It makes me sound like a crazy woman. Well, perhaps I am one. Not ashamed to say it. A pinch of craziness in your life delivers miracles. Hell, what’s life’s point if you just walk on the sidewalks?). We need to talk more about this. We need to stop being so afraid of showing our weaknesses (though this only made me stronger). Life isn’t all glamour selfies. Shit happens. And everyone goes through shit. So start sharing your shit. It could do a lot for all of us. “A team is only as strong as its weakest player.” So, start helping each other by sharing your weaknesses. It’s what makes us humans. No one’s perfect. Except for Mary Berry.
Here goes one of my favourite pictures of all time. With a smile on my face. With my best friend. Even going through some crazy shit in my life, my smile never disappeared. It better, as I always have to put on my best smile at the dude of the magazine shop (what’s a girl without her Vogue first thing off the press).
P. S. – Feeling better now. Let go of your burden and share it. It will make things a lot easier, I promise.